I’m falling apart, folks.

I had the customary garbage for breakfast and it took me over an hour to force it down my throat while making the same face a toddler makes when they are forced to take liquid medicine by their mommy.

I want my mommy.

The sit-ups, one-seventh of my routine are causing me major fits. Several times in the past couple days I have suffered major muscle cramping (like a Charley Horse) in my abdomen. Sometimes they flare up after a sneeze, a laugh or even trying to get out of bed. The stabbing, searing pain is nearly homicidal.

This treacherous diet brings to mind suicide.

I know many folks think I’m being too melodramatic but here’s the thing. I can’t help how it makes me feel as hard as I try to help it. It makes me very sad and depressed and I am never sad or depressed about anything. If life is rotten, it makes a person think crazy things. I even disregarded my final two meals of the day because at this point, not eating is better than eating freakin’ cat food!

God save me!

I started feeling twinges of depression.

I know it may sound pathetic, but delicious food really makes people happy, especially me. I was in another pressure cooker today when me and my daughter and fiance went to Sam’s Club. The trouble about that place is that their snack bar sells really yummy kosher hot dogs. For the past few years, it has been tradition for us to get one whenever we step into the place.

My two companions had one, as well as shared a couple slices of pizza. I was feeling overwhelmingly sad and just tried to think positive thoughts. Later, we went to Walgreens and all my favorite snacks stared me down as I labored my enormous frame around the store fighting the pain of walking and the anguish of ignoring the goodies.

My girl bought me Ketone test strips to test my urine for ketosis. Once I’m in ketosis heavily, my body will begin to burn fat at a super fast rate. That time can’t come fast enough as my urine tested slightly above moderate [levels of ketones].

My girl had been on the Cat Food Diet with me, albeit taking occassional liberties like eating the occassional slice of bread (plus she’s not getting the blood work done). But she grew very hungry and began having headaches, so I took the guilt away from her and encouraged her to eat that “good food” at Sam’s Club.

It was so very painful enduring her eating what I wanted so bad. I said a small prayer while sitting there asking God to please help me get through this. I also received a couple positive text messages from my best friend which inspired me and I need plenty of that. I did my seven exercises of course, but I am finding it more painful to walk or move than it should be. I hope that’s a positive result of my working out.

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring and I hope that the new beginning I’m undergoing is as beautiful as when the flowers begin to bloom.

God help me.

I miraculously survived temptation though!

Yes, God saw me through yet another day of delectable deprivation, and the challenge I speak of is of course delicious food. I drove into the inner city unsure of my destination. All I knew was that I wanted to happen upon an interviewwith a random person  for my talk show. I ended up at my mother’s house which is a scant mile or so from several of my favorite places to eat. 

Of course, those are all fast-food places.

The super-caloried restaurants near my house don’t much faze me. The McDonald’s and KFC’s of the world, Burger King, Wendy’s and Taco Bell etc. are quite monotnous. But being near my “zones of incredible weakness” with plenty of cash in my pocket was a major-league pressure cooker. 

Again, I steered clear of those temptations!

Anyways, the food I did eat was of course, pure garbage. Turkey bacon and a hard boiled egg for breakfast, a can of tuna with mustard (yuck!) and vinyl-tasting green beans for lunch and boneless, skinless catfish for dinner. There was also asparagus on the plate (which I never had before) but after one bite, I felt ready to commit suicide. 

That asparagus tasted like slimy condoms that had been “used” by many guys.

A trip to the grocery store re-upped a few essentials, and I must admit; the fish surprised me with how good it was. I feel it to be a trap though. If I try to eat it again, it may taste like cardboard. I hope I’m wrong.

Exercises went off without a hitch and I took my supplements. A visit with my mom made the day better except for one thing.

My sister’s birthday cake was sitting on her table.

This is fool’s gold.

Since I have been down this obstacle course-filled road before, I know that it will get very difficult, if not flat out disheartening. Even still, I believe my mental resolve this time around will carry me through these very difficult days, weeks and months ahead. I have not cheated, nor have I even had the urge. 

God is in this plan.

For breakfast, I had several pieces of turkey bacon which tastes like a rubber ducky dipped in wax and varnish. It took me literally an hour to finish the six slices in addition to the mildly enjoyable hard boiled egg. The dietitian told me that for my body weight, I need to eat 16-18 ounces of protein daily which is a major undertaking given the fact that the meat is often hard to chew and swallow.

It can only be cooked in water.

For lunch, I had tuna straight out the can with a squirt of mustard mixed in. Along with it: two dill pickles. I split my final 10 ounces of meat into two meals later. It was lean roast which was very tough and unappealing, but strangely fairly tolerable. One other thing I have learned from the ’01 and ’06 failures on this diet is this: never expect the food to taste good because even if it does normally, it won’t while on this Cat Food Diet.

At least not to me. 

I also did my seven exercises while listening to Prince’s classic 1984 album Purple Rain and drank yet another ocean’s supply of water. I urinated about 22 times which I guess is good exercise (having to constantly get up and go). Today will be great for me because like I said, it’s in God’s hands.

I’ll keep everyone posted.

I didn’t even exercise while doing the Cat Food Diet in ’06 which makes the weight loss that much more amazing. A year later, I began walking on my treadmill for one hour per day, 7 days a week, no exceptions. One problem though; I wasn’t dieting anymore so whatever weight I lost wasn’t actually visible — but I felt better.

My name is Deante Young. I am probably the biggest celebrity you’ve never heard of — at least, not yet. I am a guy of enormously high self-esteem in spite of my now 463 pound “physique.” I am handsome, attractive and most of all, I possess a remarkable personality. My controversial talk show is one of my proudest accomplishments as well as my pending publishing company and present film company.

Day One was a little easier to get started than I expected. I ate the usual assortment of lean meat and vegetables, plus an ocean of water and endured a fairly simple exercise routine. This diet is designed in such a way that it emphasizes plenty of meat and two veggie servings per day, plus supplements. On the fourth day, my body will be in ketosis, which means I’ll be burning fat at a lightening fast rate. That is the day I plan on increasing my exercising.

I made it through the first day, thank God. Now I only have about 290-plus days to go (in my estimation). I could have chosen a far easier diet plan, but this is the only one that eradicates the calories at a record pace. I have analyzed my mistakes of diets and workouts past (I’ve been off and on for the past nine years), and my strategy this time is refined and more tailored to success.

And my drive is at an all-time high!

I plan on getting down to 215 by the final day of the year. You read right; that would entail me dropping an astounding 248 pounds in about 9 and a half months. Can I do it? Sure. Will I do it? 

Trust me.